people pleaser – noun
: someone or something that pleases or wants to please people
often : a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/people%20pleaser#h1
Does this ring a bell? How many times have you really wanted to do something, but find yourself passing because someone wanted to do something else. Do you find yourself saying YES when every ounce of your body and soul is screaming NOOOOO! What about apologizing for something you had no control over? If this sounds like you then you could be a “people pleaser”. But being a people pleaser isn’t all bad. Right? There’s nothing wrong with trying to be nice and helpful to people we love and care about, is there? Well, no…..and yes. Let me explain.
There is nothing wrong with being nice and offering to help when help is needed. But there is a big difference between being nice and being a people pleaser. When you put the needs and wants of others above your own wants and needs because you don’t want to hurt their feelings or you want them to like you, it can be damaging to you. And this is a people pleaser in a nutshell. I know this first hand because for most of my life I have been a people pleaser. All my life I was the “yes” girl. The person you went to when you needed something done. The one who did everything for everyone even if it left me miserable, angry and resentful. What I was searching for and couldn’t find was unconditional love and acceptance.
My need to please started at age 6 when my mom left me and my sister, and we went to live with my grandparents. Thinking that there was something that I did that made my mother leave, I vowed to myself that I was going to do everything in my power to make sure that no one would leave me again. And boy did I. I was the dance mom, the band mom, the Home and School mom. If there was a job to do, I was the first one with my hand up. One summer I even volunteered to design and sew an entire wardrobe, spanning a century, for a cast of 30 for the inaugural Highland Storm theatrical performance….without any experience doing so. I wanted to be everything for everybody. But no matter what I did I was always left feeling empty. As a reformed people pleaser I know first hand the damage it does not only to your mental health and self esteem but it can also cause irreparable damage to your relationships as well.
So how do you know if you are a people pleaser or just an all around nice person?
You could be a people pleaser if:
1) You have low self esteem and the only way you can feel worthy is to receive approval and praise from people.
2) You have a hard time saying “no” and you worry that if you say no then people will think that you don’t care about them.
3) You are always saying sorry, even when it’s not your fault.
4) You are a giver in the hopes of being liked.
5) You feel responsible for other people’s feelings.
6) You act like the people you are with or you present yourself the way you think people want you to be.
Okay, so you have determined you are a people pleaser. Now what?
1) Start small and ask for time-when someone asks you to do something, pause and say something like “I have to check my calendar, so I’ll have to get back to you on that”. Start by just delaying the yes.
2) Show kindness, but only when you mean it- kindness is a wonderful thing but it should not be shown in order to receive approval. Consider your intentions before acting.
3) Don’t apologize if it’s not your fault- if you are late for a meeting try saying “Thank you for waiting for me” instead of “I’m so sorry, the traffic was horrible and I’m late”
4) Keep your no simple and don’t over explain. Many people pleasers feel the need to over explain. Saying “No, I have plans” or “I can’t make it this time” is enough. Otherwise the other person might try to change your mind with “What do you mean washing your hair is more important than me?”
5) Wait until someone asks for help. Just because your friend wants to throw a surprise baby shower for her daughter, doesn’t mean you have to plan and execute the entire event. Wait until she asks for you to do something. Believe it or not she might just want you to attend.
Remember you are not doing yourself or your loved ones any good by being a people pleaser. It will exhaust you and may cause resentment. You can’t pour from an empty cup ….so make sure each and every day you fill yours first. Each step you take will help your confidence grow and get you one step closer to living a truly authentic and happy life.
