Crisis Of Confidence
“I can’t do this again, I just don’t have it in me!”
These are the words I said to my boyfriend the morning after the election in 2019. I had cried all night. Hell, who am I kidding? I was still sobbing as I said those words. I didn’t sleep a wink that night and my emotions kept shifting between sadness, anger and despair.
I felt betrayed and quite frankly I felt like a fraud.
I went from a sitting Cabinet Minister who was responsible for creating programs that would support our most vulnerable to not having a reason to get out of bed. The last 4 years of my life were spent around decision making tables with Federal, Provincial and Territorial Ministers, creating policies that would shape our communities.
And now I was a nobody.
“I should just move away and get a small job somewhere where no one will ever see me” were the next words I said, in between sobs.
Have you ever felt this way? Like every ounce of confidence had been sucked from your soul? Did you find yourself saying over and over that you don’t know where to turn, that you can’t come back or move forward?
Well this is what I call a “crisis of confidence.” And it’s not the first time that this has happened to me. I have had to reinvent myself and redefine my life’s purpose over and over.
To be honest, it’s terrifying. The feeling that you have no purpose in life, you are a failure and an imposter. To hear one voice in your head tell you it will be okay and the other, louder and meaner voice screaming, “NO YOU CAN’T! YOU’RE A FRAUD!”
I spent the next month fighting this internal battle and then my survival instinct kicked in. I had to do something….anything. And do something I did.
In an almost robotic way I took any job that would come along. But they didn’t last. I hated my life. How was I going to reinvent myself again, when I had been living my dream, doing the job I loved, making positive changes and helping people. How was I going to survive this crisis of confidence?
Then one day my daughter came to me and said it had to stop. She said to me “Mom, you have to find your WHY again. You are not only suffering from a crisis of confidence but also ‘impostor syndrome.’”
She said she had felt the same when she was completing her Masters at McGill University. A straight ‘A’ student all her life she now found herself second guessing everything. Surrounded by PhD students she was having her own crisis of confidence and everyday felt like an imposter. Until she found her WHY. Simon Senik describes your WHY in his bestselling novel “Start with Why” as “the purpose, cause or belief that drives every one of us.”
So how could I find my WHY? What kind of questions did I have to ask myself? When we are suffering from a crisis of confidence we need to get back in touch with our core values. What is important to us? And from there we can find the strength to go forward even when our confidence isn’t keeping up.
A few questions that I asked myself were: 1) what is important and meaningful to me and others? And 2) could it help others and get me to the next place I need to be. Once I was able to answer those questions I was off to a good start.
But taking that giant step towards finding your purpose and reinventing yourself can be paralyzing. Silencing those nagging voices in our head that are telling us we are an imposter and that we are going to fail can be exhausting and many times cause us to give up before we even start. Pulling yourself out of a crisis of confidence takes planning and that plan is what separates those who achieve their dreams from those who give up and settle for a life of mediocrity.
Here are a few things that worked for me and helped me shake my crisis of confidence and set me up for my new life’s purpose.
1. WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? Once you have named your fear, comfort yourself with the knowledge that the fear is not reality and that you are just having a crisis of confidence.
2. MOVE YOUR BODY. When the mean girl in your head starts telling you that you are an imposter, move your body. Practice some yoga, go for a walk, have a dance party with yourself. Do whatever you have to do, for as long as you have to, to get yourself out of your own head.
3. START YOUR DAY WITH A JOURNAL. Journaling lets you empty your head of all the thoughts that are racing through your mind. It gives you an opportunity to practice gratitude for the blessings that you do have in your life. It’s also a time for you to write out all of the good choices and successes you have had, to pick up and look back on when those doubts start creeping in.
4. SURROUND YOURSELF WITH A SUPPORT TEAM. If there is someone in your life who is constantly criticizing you, it might be a good time to put a pause on that relationship. Keep the people who are supportive and encourage you close at hand and reach out to them often.
5. DON’T NEGLECT YOUR PHYSICAL HEALTH. When you are in the grasp of a crisis of confidence the first thing we usually let slip in our physical health. It usually starts with skipping one workout, which leads to two, and so on. You MUST move your body, because moving your body releases endorphins, those feel-good hormones, which in turn make you feel better and sleep better, among many other benefits.
6. MORE SELF CARE. I know what you are thinking. I can’t move and you want me to take a bubble bath? Self care is not just about spa days and bubble baths. Self care is something that we do for ourselves to improve our mental, physical and spiritual health. For some this could mean a spa day but for you it could mean getting an extra hour of sleep or getting a few minutes of fresh air. You do you!
7. GET COMFORTABLE WITH BEING UNCOMFORTABLE. They say the true magic happens outside your comfort zone. So when you start to feel that uncomfortable feeling in the pit of your stomach, reassure yourself that you are getting closer to your goals and that will help turn that uncomfortable feeling into one of excitement. Over time it will become easier and easier.
It’s taken 2 ½ years for me to shake my crisis of confidence and there have been many ups and downs. There are still days when the alarm goes off that I want to pull the covers over my head, close my eyes and pray that I’ll disappear into the mattress. But I will say that those days are few and far between. Every day I apply these 7 tips and every day my confidence grows.
I have a purpose, I am strong, I am resilient and I can do hard things. And you know what? So can YOU!
